The Most Stupid and Boring Digimon Fanfic Ever
by Phenomenatika
Summary: Takeru stumbles upon a dead rabbit and figures that he had better fill in the rabbit's spot at the Queen's party. A parody of Alice in Wonderland. Please r+r!


1 The Most Stupid and Boring Digimon Fanfiction Ever  
  
By Cynda-chan  
  
AN: Welcome to the first digimon fanfic written by Cynda-chan! I would like to forewarn you that I am a strange person and believe in psychic energy. Please enjoy my feeble attempt at a digimon fanfic.  
  
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It was another wonderful, beautiful day in the Digital World. That is, until the Awakening. Mud flew around and splattered the surrounding rocks as a dark figure arose out of the swamp.  
  
"OOOAAARRGGH!!" it screamed and began its rampage in the Digiworld. A naturally occurring Digirock (harder and contain more data than real rocks) tried to trip the terror, but got crushed underfoot as the giant mud ball stomped along. Patamon, who just happened to be flapping around looking for catnip (Oh, I wonder WHY) saw the giant thing and screamed bloody murder.  
  
"Omigod!!" he cried, "It's a…It's a…" Patamon frowned, "Where is that dratted Digimon Screen?" The Digimon Screen popped up from coffee break rather sheepishly. "That's Darkandevilmon," said Patamon, "His Dark Attack of Darkness is filled with, um, darkness! And watch out for his Natural Occurring Disaster attack!"  
  
The Digimon Screen cracked as Darkandevilmon slung a giant mud ball at it.  
  
"*Gulp* Did I mention his mud balls?" said Patamon. Another mud ball flew by, missing his head by the fraction of a hair. Patamon's nose (If he has one) turned blue and a sweat-drop came down. "Uh-oh," he said as Darkandevilmon towered over him. Patamon had one of his rare moments when his brain actually functioned correctly and screamed like any sane digimon would. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!! TK!!!"  
  
"DARK ATTACK OF DARKNESS!!" yelled D.A.E. mon (Get it? D.A.E. mon, as in Darkandevilmon. But it spells Daemon!! Pretty cool, huh? Fine, fine, I'm shutting up!) A large black cloud that reeked of stale popcorn and sounded like a broken record of Britney Spears appeared above D.A.E. mon and swooshed toward the hapless bat-winged mammal digimon. Poor Patamon.  
  
Gatomon watched from a distance, her mouth curved up in a self- satisfying smirk. She turned to Veemon, who was sitting next to her, "Vee," said she, "Do you think this was necessary?"  
  
Veemon grinned, "Of course," The two digimon burst out laughing.  
  
In the real world, Takeru detected a distress signal coming from his battered digivice that was currently lying under the sock in his gym bag. Being the idiot that he is, he picked up the phone and hollered, "Hey, Hikari, wanna go out on a date with me?" He frowned at the phone, "Strange." He shrugged and went back to eating his year-old donut.  
  
The digivice beeped again. Takeru picked up his phone, "Hello? Hikari? Anybody there?" He slammed it back onto the receiver with bad humor. 'When's Hikari going to go out with me?' he wondered like the idiot that he was. He didn't realize that Daisuke and Hikari had been going steady for a long time and probably would stay that way, too. (I'm REALLY sorry guys, but Takari isn't my favorite paring!)  
  
Takeru finally figured out that Patamon was sending a distress signal and he tracked it down. He held up his D-3 to the digital gate (which just happened to be on the computer screen) and shouted, "OPEN SESAME!!" He scratched his head. "DIGIGATE SESAME!!"  
  
"OPEN DIGIGATE!!"  
  
"SESAME COOKIES!!"  
  
"COOKIES OPEN!!"  
  
"What the heck—SOBA NOODLES!!"  
  
"I don't think so…maybe…no, probably not, heck, might as well—DIGIGATE OPEN!!"  
  
The oh-so-familiar tune was switched on and Takeru found himself standing in the Land of the Duckies and Bunnies. "PATAMON!! * * WHERE ARE YOU???" he yelled. An echoing scream reached his ears. "AHA!!" he cried and rushed toward the site.  
  
And there he saw Yamato running for his life.  
  
"What's wrong, onii-chan?" asked Takeru.  
  
Yamato paused for breath, looking fearfully over his shoulder. "'Tis the Jun monster, oh little one…" he said in a posh English accent. There was a crashing noise in the bushes and Yamato's eyes widened in horror. "The Jun…" he sighed in resignation. Then, suddenly, his eyes filled with hopeless determination. He took off at a lightning speed. "Yearrrrgh!!!" he cried and ran.  
  
"Run, Foress, RUN!" cheered Takeru. He turned back to the trail that he had been following earlier; namely, the trail of the rare southern Prariemon. "Now," said Takeru to himself, "What was I doing again?" Scratching his head, he turned and fell into some Rabbitmon's den/hole/pit/indentation-for-people-to-trip-on.  
  
"AHHHHHHHH!!" screamed Takeru as his long descent was slowed slightly by a… long blue dress? Takeru felt his sides. He was no longer wearing his weird Capris? khakis? shorts? weird pant things? Instead, he was wearing an ankle-length…puffy-sleeved…magically-dome-shaped-thanks-to- Disney…blue…dress. To make it even worse…there was a white frilly apron to top that off. Takeru reached up slowly, and touched his head. His hand froze; he was wearing a bow-ribbon-type-thing. Please, he thought, please don't let this happen to me!! He went through one more check…and sure enough…he had shoulder-mid-back yellowish-melted-butter hair. Takeru glimpsed at a passing mirror…he became rigid, very rigid. He, or rather she, was now a GIRL. The full description: a Snow-White-esque type girl wearing a blue dress of an unknown material and a lacy, frilly, ridiculous apron, he (she?) was also wearing a pair of miniscule black shoes on his (her) feet. He (she) had now unbelievably thin (lethargic) legs and was wearing these stocking-type hose thingys. Ah, yes, and the black ribbon tied about his (her) slightly-curled-but-not-quite blonde hair. Horrific, that was the word, simply horrific.  
  
Takeru looked in the mirror as time held still. Jeez, thought the boy (girl), dude, like, time just froze! Unfortunately for our hero (yeah, right!) time snapped out of the weird blurry all around the character mood and started up again. Which meant…YUP! Takeru began to fall again!  
  
As he (she) fell, Takeru thought about Geography. He was pretty good at Geography. He sucked at Geometry, but Geography and History was a walk in the park. Let's see, he (she) thought as he (she, Jeez, this is getting annoying!) kept on falling, what's the capitol of Japan? He thought hard, Juuban Street! Wait, no. Bengal? New York? Frankfurt? Tokyo? Naw, that couldn't be it. Tokyo was in China! Or was it England?  
  
What was wrong with him? He couldn't even think straight! Not that he ever had… As Cynda-chan kept on grinning and typing up her daily dose of Takeru-bashing, Sama-chan crept up ever so slowly… She looked…different, to say the least, Sama-chan decided. Cynda-chan looked different. The new fanfic author usually wore a faded tea-colored turtleneck under a knitted wool sweater, and her hair was always kept in this trying-to-be-neat ponytail. Our wonderfully talented writer (sure, sure) had, um, pointy ears; Elvish ears, to be exact. She was wearing white flowing robes and her ever-present were pinned up. Oh yeah, there was something wrong…very wrong.  
  
"Cynda-chan, what's with the ears…and…contact lenses?" Sama-chan asked.  
  
Cynda-chan grinned up at her friend. "It's Elf Obsession Day!!" she said happily.  
  
Anywho, Takeru was passing now a large carrot stuck in the wall of the hole. He pulled it out and inspected it. The orangish-yellow root still had a great amount of dirt clinging onto it. But, being the unsanitary and hungry boy that he was, Takeru bit into the vegetable. Spitting out the dirt, he eyed it with disgust and threw it into a naturally occurring air tunnel.  
  
He kept on falling for another hour, in which he quizzed himself on History. He seemed to have forgotten about the events in World War II and how old he was. This was bad. I wonder if I'm turning into Daisuke? He wondered stupidly. At this time, he noticed that he was no longer falling. He was now standing in a large pile of letters.  
  
Being curious, Takeru picked up one that looked rather regal and important. It was addressed to 'The Big Fat Rabbitmon who lives in a Naturally Occurring Hole'. Takeru tore open the envelope, it said:  
  
Big Fat Rabbitmon:  
  
Because I have been pressured to, you are invited to my digi-discussion party. Bring your useless speeches on the uses of Spam and you will be allowed to participate in a game of 'Knock-the-stupid-ball-into-the-u- shaped-thingy-in-the-ground'. We will be using golf clubs because the stupid Humane Society banned flamingos. You need to come at exactly ten seconds after eight, no sooner, no later.  
  
Signed,  
  
Her Imperial Majestic Magnificent Malice-filled Queen of the Heart-shaped Peoples Person  
  
Takeru blinked. He blinked again. He did not understand any of it, except that it had something to do with Spam. Now, this was addressed to a Rabbitmon, preferably, a big and fat one. Where was he, anyway?  
  
Takeru looked around. Then, he spotted a long, fat, ear. He walked over to the bookshelf where it was located and took a hold of it. He pulled hard and 'plop!' speak of the devil, here was the stupid Rabbitmon! Takeru started shaking the fat bunny.  
  
"Wake up!" he yelled, "You have to go to the Queen Person's party and dance in…um…Half-time! Yo, rabbit type thingy? Rabbit type thingyyyyyyy…" Takeru stopped shaking the Rabbitmon so hard when its head fell off and rolled around on the ground. Takeru had overlooked one SLIGHT problem. The Rabbitmon was dead. Not just keeled-over-dead, it was more of a stabbed-multiple-times-and-thrown-into-various-objects-until-it-bled-to- death-dead. It was a sobering sight; the poor bunny, beheaded and bleeding all over Takeru's arms. It was wearing a waistcoat, and when Takeru reached into the back pocket, he found ten Digi-dollars and a copy of 'Roadmap to The Queen's'.  
  
Giggling after having robbed the dead digimon, Takeru skipped off down the passage. He was going to the Queen's party. Hehehehehehehehehehe…  
  
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AN: Okay, so maybe it isn't so funny. I had writer's block, I swear! I promise it'll get better. Please review! 


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